Relating, Creating, Transforming

Posts tagged ‘vulnerability’

What Do Our Tears Mean?

Luke 7:36 – 8:3

Frederick Buechner[1] wrote:
You never know what may cause tears. The sight of the Atlantic Ocean can do it, or a piece of music, or a face you’ve never seen before. You can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not… God is speaking to you through them—of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you, to where you should go to next.

Do you cry easily and often? Or do you struggle to cry?

What do our tears mean?

cryingAccording to Michael Trimble, British professor at the Institute of Neurology in London, and author of Why Humans Like to Cry, tears are necessary to keep the eyeball moist, and contain proteins and other substances which maintain the eye healthy and to combat infection. Trimble writes: “Humans cry for many reasons, but crying for emotional reasons and crying in response to aesthetic experiences are unique to us.”[2] He goes on to say that tears of joy or sorrow, in other words, the tears that are highly emotional, tell us a lot about ourselves. Emotional crying can help us highlight what’s important and what we need to focus on, says Dr. Lauren Bylsma[3], at the University of Pittsburgh, someone who has conducted various studies about tears and crying.

Tears
I’m sure you probably already knew that there are different types of tears. According to Dr. Bylsma and her co-author Ad J.J.M. Vingerhoets, of Tilburg University in the Netherlands, the first type of tears is basal tears. Basically, we cry to lubricate, nourish, and protect our eyes. This can happen involuntarily, of course. The second type of tears is reflex tears. You cut an onion or if you are allergic to things like smoke, pollen, or ragweed, and well, you tear up. Lastly, the third tear type: the tears that we shed after fighting with someone close to us, getting treated badly, empathizing with someone who is suffering, or crying for help. These are emotional tears.

Truthfully, researchers haven’t quite figured out why we cry. They have theories, of course. Some scientists, according to Vassar psychologist Randy Cornelius,[4] say that emotional tears were [and are] ways to signal distress without making noise. You can make others know you are vulnerable by crying, even if you cannot speak a word. Thus, over time, according Dr. Bylsma, humans have developed a purpose for emotional tears, which is to signal that there is a problem or to ask for comfort or support from another.

vulnerableAnd the research shows that crying can be valuable in a cathartic way. If someone cries in a social situation in which the people are accepting, that person is more likely to feel better after crying. In fact, we will feel better than other social situations in which we held back tears, because we felt unsafe, in danger, or embarrassed. Furthermore, other researchers suggest that emotional tears contain stress hormones that the body can physically push out while we are crying, therefore making us feel calmer. And finally, the difference between happy and sad tears is not very big. Dr. Bylsma states that after crying the body returns to “a state of homeostasis after being aroused—whether positively or negatively.”[5]

I’m fascinated by this. I myself do not cry a lot, but when I do, I can say that the majority of the time I feel better afterwards. And, I can also say that if I cry with people who care about me and accept me, the feeling is not unlike euphoria. So what of the crying woman in Luke’s story?

It all took place in Simon the Pharisee’s house, which should tell us something. The Pharisees were mostly in opposition to Jesus of Nazareth’s teaching, and were certainly not happy with Jesus hanging out with the so-called unclean, marginalized, and sinful. Keep in mind, though, that we cannot make the Pharisees out to be the “bad people” because many times in the Gospel stories, the readers [you and I] are supposed to put ourselves in their shoes. Anyway, the story is not about Pharisees as much as it is about a brave woman who was already shunned and who came into the house [she was completely unwelcome] and brought an alabaster jar of ointment. She came from the city, but it is not said that she was a prostitute, as some interpreters say. Clearly, though, in the eyes of Simon, she was a category and not a person. She stood behind Jesus crying her eyes out, and then she covered his feet with tears and tried to dry them with her hair. She then kissed his feet and anointed him with the ointment. Of course, the host Pharisee mumbled under his breath: If this guy really were a prophet, he would have known what kind of woman this is. She’s a sinner.

Jesus then addressed Simon by name and told him a parable. That was, after all, the purpose of such a meeting at the house—debate and discussion. The parable of the two debtors is pretty clear. Both people owed a lot to a money lender; both were forgiven. Who would be more grateful? Logically, the one who owed the most. Simon got it. Would he get that this woman was a human being, capable of love and not just a category?

Once again, in Luke, Jesus turned. Big deal! He turned toward the woman. Then, he said to Simon: do you SEE her? Yes, that’s the climax, folks. Her tears, her love, her expression of sorrow, were all accepted and embraced. She showed hospitality. She had no more debt. She was forgiven. And her tears told that story. What do you think?

Teaser for next week: Luke 8:26-39: what binds you? In other words, what are the things that keep you from being your whole self? What would it feel like to be unbound, free?

[1] Originally published in Whistling in the Dark and later in Beyond Words
[2] http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-humans-like-to-cry/
[3]
http://www.pitt.edu/~bylsmal/
[4]
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129329054
[5]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/10/tear-facts_n_4570879.html

Love that Gets its Hands Dirty

Luke 13:31-35

rumiSelections from Jalal al-Din Rumi:

This being human is a guest house.
Every mornin
g a new arrival.

A joy, A depression, A meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
First to let go of life.
Finally, to take a step without feet.

We continue to focus on being and self-discovery these 40 days of Lent, focusing on Jesus of Nazareth’s own journey to self-realization—his path to Jerusalem and the end of his life. Each week, please consider this question:

How do you know when you are truly yourself?

The Gospel of Luke is keen on the theme of the journey. In fact, journeying occurs 88 times in Luke and in Acts, the NT book that the same author of Luke wrote. In this particular part of Luke’s story, the Pharisees [a sect of Judaism] try to convince Jesus to journey elsewhere; Jesus then tells them to journey back to Herod; and then finally, it becomes necessary for Jesus to journey to Jerusalem.

Jesus and Herod Antipas.

Jesus calls Herod a fox. Thus, Herod was clever, but small. This is the same Herod, remember, who killed John the Baptist; but he was not even close to as powerful as the leaders in Jerusalem.So in spite of the danger, Jesus does not alter his journey or timetable nor give in to Herod’s supposed threats.

During this journey, Jesus expresses his sadness for the situation in Jerusalem. It resembles the laments of the Hebrew prophets. In this short rant, Jesus expresses his frustration and sadness over the Jerusalem people’s stubbornness and close-mindedness.

And yet, Jesus at the same time expresses his great love and compassion for them.

He wished to gather the people of Jerusalem just like a hen would gather her chicks under her wing. There is a play on words here. Thelo, a Greek word, appears three times. It means will, desire, want, or wish. First, Herod wishes to kill Jesus; then Jesus wished to gather the children of Jerusalem under his wing; finally the children did not desire it. These three wishes are in conflict with one another. And there’s no genie involved.

Genie

Returning again to the theme of journey, notice again that Jesus did not deviate from his course or the timing of it, even if there were obstacles or people trying to convince him to go another way. This is important.

How many times do we change directions, even when we know we are on the right path, because of external circumstances or because people convince us to? Often, we are tossed and turned by the latest trends, what our peers do, or what we see on TV or in other media. Essentially, we just start copying each other. A friend gets married, has kids, and buys a house? Well, we better do the same, even that is not our path. Someone gets a certain job, buys a big car, dresses a certain way? Well, we ought to follow suit. Why is that?

I think it’s because we start to believe that we don’t actually have our own journey, or that we are not worthy to have one. This is an unhealthy mistake and can rob us of opportunities, moments of grace, wholeness, and healing.

We all have our own path.

Internally, we need to journey on it. Even when things get tough or when others try to misdirect us, we need to stay the course.

Furthermore, I notice in this story the great vulnerability that Jesus showed to people, out of compassion. I’ve mentioned before the researcher Brené Brown and her work on shame and vulnerability. She gave a recent Ted Talk that I think speaks to the heart of the matter and relates to what Jesus expressed on the way to Jerusalem. Watch the whole talk here, or if you wish, watch from 17:30 to the end, for the purposes of this discussion.

 

Ms. Brown, after six years and thousands of interviews and case studies with a variety of people, has come to the conclusion that the people who are the most whole, the happiest, the most themselves—are the ones who practice vulnerability.

Look at Jesus of Nazareth’s treatment of other people. He wasn’t afraid to hang out with those who were considered dirty, unclean, outsiders. He didn’t take the easy road when others told him to, because he walked a path that led him to people in need of acceptance and healing. In spite of what some think, Jesus of Nazareth was not a meek, nice guy who glowed with some holy halo when we walked the earth. He was a troublemaker; he was an instigator and an annoying presence; he told the truth when it hurt; he chose to be with people who were difficult and who lacked power and authority; he did not hesitate to touch or to say a kind word to those who were pushed the margins of society. He put himself out there; he was authentic and vulnerable.

And his journey to Jerusalem was vulnerable—the whole way. Eventually, when he got there, he was as vulnerable as one could be. He didn’t do it to be a martyr or a ruler or to leave a legacy. He did it out of compassion for others. And he was only able to do that because he was true to himself.

So as your journey continues, remember that you’re imperfect but worthy of love and belonging.

And it is our job to say that and to show that to others and to ourselves. Vulnerability. It’s the other way, the journey, the path. To let yourself be seen as you are. To love with all your whole hearts without any guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy, even in difficult moments. To believe that you are enough.

May you continue to get to know yourself, to keep on journeying on your unique path, and may you be real, authentic, and vulnerable along the way.

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